Powerful or Pitiful- The Choice was Mine....

I have knowingly suffered from depression since around 7th or 8th grade. I was not officially diagnosed until years later after joining the military. I was in my 30’s by the time I received the official diagnosis of something I had known and tried to secretly manage for almost two decades.

In 2023 after being betrayed by a friend, I reached a depth of depression unlike any I had ever experienced. This friend was an important person in my life whom I genuinely loved and trusted.

I believed up until that point that this person had a mutual and genuine love and respect for me as well. When the truth was uncovered (I truly believe because God said enough) I was gutted.

This individual took no responsibility and did not even care enough about our friendship to make things right or apologize. The person’s sentiment was along the lines of- Oh well, I’m caught! I got what I needed out of you, so have a good life. This was unspoken but painfully obvious. In fact, no explanation was offered at all. It was something so excruciatingly heartbreaking about this person’s non-reaction to my discovery that let me know I had absolutely no value in this person’s life. I was completely dispensable in that person’s life while I had made them a priority in mine.

I scolded myself for being so dumb and gullible. I started reflecting back on all the red flags I had excused over the course of our friendship. The difference between what this person withdrew from me versus what was deposited was glaring. There were insufficient funds for sure, but I kept giving advances. I realized this person had never valued nor loved me and that I was being used since our introduction. I also realized I didn’t know this person at all. Everything I thought I knew about this person was a lie.

I was devastated. Yes, I had lost friends and relationships in the past, many times over, but this one felt so different.

Through therapy and spiritual work, I was later able to surmise that while I was indeed deeply hurt by this person, the intensity of the blow was multiplied because it became a culmination of decades of unhealed, unacknowledged abandonment, unprotection, neglect, mistreatment, hurt, and abuse. It really wasn't about that person or situation at all. This was just one hit too many- the final blow that I couldn’t take. The person began to symbolize every betrayal I had ever endured at the hand of someone I loved and had called a friend, a family member,  or a lover.

This individual became the biological father that never claimed me. My mother that waited until I was in sixth grade to tell me that her first husband wasn’t my biological father. My family member that molested me. The classmate that raped me. My mother’s second husband that hated and mistreated me. The high school boyfriend that physically abused me and finally my child’s father that was never present for my daughter.

I felt like a failure. Like I had allowed, even caused, these things to happen in my life. I felt like I was nothing. I fell into the darkest period of depression I had ever experienced in my life. I had always managed to function through my bouts of depression, but not this time. I was physically ill. I could not get out of bed on most days. I was missing days of work at a time. I was crying all day long- every day. I had no appetite, so I just stopped eating. As this state lasted longer and longer, I knew that if I didn’t fight my way out of this dark place and do the work needed to truly heal myself, I would lose my job, my health, and my life.

I wouldn’t make it to 2024.

I made up my mind to live.

I decided I could be pitiful or I could be powerful, but I couldn't be both. The only path to powerful was to acknowledge that the trauma was real but determine it wouldn't steal my future. I would do the work. This is why my journey began and healing is the goal.