Know Your Value, Even When You Don’t…

I was 41 years old when one betrayal too many violently collided with a lifetime of heartbreak, mistreatment, abandonment, bullying, and abuse. Even though I now know the situation that broke me could have been absolutely anything else and the outcome would have been completely the same, at the time a crushing revelation about a person I loved hit me like a ton of bricks. I just collapsed under the weight. My only choice was to end the friendship.

This was a person I loved and trusted so the loss was felt, and the pain was real. I just didn’t understand how and why I was still going through these kinds of failures at this stage in life. How could I have been so wrong about this person’s character and what does that say about me? The truth of what it said about me is what really broke me. I didn’t value myself at all, so why would anyone else? I was the problem. BURN.

I went into a complete emotional downward spiral and entered the worst period of depression I’ve ever experienced. My emotional pain began to morph into physical pain. I had body aches and chest pains. I cried every single day, called in sick from work for days at a time and alienated the few people who genuinely love and have always been there for me.

At my lowest I decided I could stay in my bed and die this way, or I could fight myself- as I was the problem- to change my life. I decided to fight for my healing. This is the moment I understood my value. It had taken me 41 years.

I am the product of a toxic, unhealthy, unloving family on my mother’s side and a family that doesn't know or love me on my biological father’s side because my biological father never claimed me as his child. Because of this I have grown up with so many issues and insecurities. I never learned to value myself, nor did I require others in my life to do so. I have allowed some horrific treatment in the name of family, friendships, and relationships.

The “relationships” were the worst. A girl without a father and with daddy issues is a dangerous recipe for interacting with the opposite sex. I focused on that lack in my life and was always trying to fill that void with something. I was easy prey. The predators could smell the desperation on me, the need for validation, the low self-esteem. I could just cry right now thinking about that little girl- just wanting to be loved but taken advantage of in so many ways. If only she had known her worth.

Even though I am not completely delivered in this area- I still struggle at times- I have a new mindset. I tell myself- Kia know your value, even when you don’t! What I mean by this is that my understanding is limited and sometimes my thoughts betray me. When I start thinking I’m not good enough or don’t measure up in some area, I immediately say out loud- That may be what I think but I can’t believe myself. I choose to believe my creator and He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am healed, I am strong, I am whole, I am forgiven, and with Him I can do all things.

So even when I don’t feel like I’m enough, my Lord has already told me that I am. I’ve learned that what I SAY about myself will eventually be what I believe about myself and what I believe about myself is what I’ll become. So, I don’t care what negative thought tries to control me, I control it by immediately SPEAKING the positive rebuttal. I will continue to SPEAK healing, restoration, deliverance, abundance, love, and favor over myself because that’s what my Father has promised me. Not the one that abandoned me- he don’t know me like that- BOL!

My Heavenly Father- the one that will never leave nor forsake me. Let the church say Amen!