My Time is a Gift

I forgive myself fully because I deserve to live a joyful life free from shame and regret. I am determined to live with appreciation for the lessons I’ve learned. I declare that the growth I’m experiencing right now is the starting point of an abundant and beautiful future. My later will be greater.

Even with complete self-forgiveness in my heart, I still think it wise to examine my experiences and assign meaning to my realizations. This is especially true for the hard lessons from the last two years (since I turned forty). I think because these heartaches could have been so easily avoided if I had allowed myself to be delivered from my trauma in my teens, twenties, or even my thirties. Unfortunately, I couldn’t be delivered in my twenties or thirties because I was so consumed with hiding and compensating instead of acknowledging and healing.

Now all I desire is healing- complete wholeness. Through weekly therapy, journaling, daily exercise, clean eating, daily bible study, and prayer I see myself growing into the woman God has designed me to be. She is powerful, strong, wise, and proud to share her story. She has discernment. She is forgiven. She is healed. She is free.

I’m birthing a new version of myself but that doesn’t mean every day will be perfect. Today I caught myself falling back into my old pattern of people pleasing by taking on more than I should at work. I have always allowed myself to fall into this trap because I care too much about what others think of me, even though they clearly don’t think of me. Because what makes your time more valuable than mine, Sir?

This morning, I agreed to take on an additional duty because another coworker felt his plate was too full. When I went back to my desk and thought it over, I was like wait a minute lets review. I also have a very full plate and he makes way more money than I do! Why would I agree to do his job for him? I was people pleasing again.

In acknowledging that some of my old patterns of behavior are still very present I had to also grant myself some grace. I have been operating in this spirit for so long, it has become a natural part of my identity, especially at work. I have ALWAYS been the first to jump to help someone. I’d stay late, work on my off day with no pay, inconvenience myself and my family, whatever was needed. Why? Because you can count on good ol’ Kia- smiling and tap dancing around the office! But today the new Kia came to work.

By the end of the day, I informed my coworker that after an inventory of my own workload I’ll have to politely decline the additional duty. I will never again give a job more than I give myself. For years I have allowed people to drain me with their problems and burdens. I gave my time and energy freely. I was constantly pouring into people that were not pouring into me. At the same time, I was hiding my own demons yet could never understand why I was always so tired and depressed. I was carrying weight that I should not have been carrying- that of mine and others.

While some of these people were definitely leaches- complete energy suckers- the majority had no bad intentions or ill will. It was me that did not establish boundaries and require a mutual exchange of energy. Energy exchange is a real thing because if done correctly both parties feel supported, and the relationship becomes a mutually beneficial connection. Because I was constantly pouring into people who were taking from me and not returning the love, support, and respect, I was often left empty and exhausted. In simpler terms- used.

It was absolutely my fault that I allowed people to take advantage of me but going forward, I will always pour into myself first. Before ANYBODY else gets my time and energy, I get my time and energy. When I decide to pour into another person, I’ll make sure I’m getting the same in return. My time is a gift.

I GOTTA PUT ME FIRST, LUCIOUS!!!